Dan Baird’s Gap-toothed Rant: BEFORE/AFTER

"The sage does not hoard."

A friend of mine reached out on Thanksgiving and said, “Hope you guys are having a great day filled with good food, bonhomie, and the obligatory ‘The Last Waltz’ viewing.”

I might have been down with “The Last Waltz,” but honestly I have a hard time watching it. It’s that scene where Eric Clapton’s strap comes off his Stratocaster. We’ve all seen it, right? It’s a little traumatizing. To his credit, Clapton seems to laugh it off before Robbie Robertson starts in to mugging and pinching harmonic bubbles and throwing his right arm up dramatically while mouthing his guitar licks for 16 bars until Eric recovers.

At least that’s how I remember it.

So, what have we learned? Securing your guitar strap is important. 

                                                         ****

“Is this what Dan Baird was talking about?” I had just shown James a couple of Danish coins with holes in them. James and I were on tour and we had a connecting flight in Denmark. I’d wandered around the airport in search of a cup of coffee. I paid with whatever currency I had on me and got these Danish coins back as change.

I looked down at the coins in the palm of my hand. Could it be? Were these the coins Dan Baird was going on about? Well, not the very same coins, but yeah, these are the coins that that crazy Southern loon claimed would solve every guitar player’s strap malfunction problem.  

Yessir! 

A few months earlier, Dan Baird had come out to one of our shows in Nashville. We were thrilled he came. And after the show, we got to talking shop like guitar players do. Dan got excited and started telling me and James DePrato about a pro tip.

He said, “I’ve got the fix. The guaranteed fix for keeping your guitar strap secured to your guitar.”

I don’t know if you know Dan Baird. But he gets real animated describing this stuff. He’s a wiry dude. Smart, obsessive, and passionate. Plus he’s got that gap tooth. I can see him now in my mind’s eye whistling through that space between his teeth. Not quite like Samuel L. Jackson’s “And-I-will-strike-down-upon-thee-with-great-vengeance-and-furious-anger” gap-toothed rant in “Pulp Fiction,” but getting there.

I was like, “You’ve got our attention.”

Dan goes, “Now listen, I’m only gonna tell you this once. If you ever come across a couple of those Danish 5 kroner coins, they’ll be the last strap locks you’ll ever need.”

I was like, “Wait . . . did you say coins? Okay, go on.”

And he’s really getting going now with his voice modulating, “Yes, coins. With holes in the middle. Just a coin and a simple screw. And you’re locked in. Forever. And dig this, when the sweat of a thousand gigs drips down your Tele, the coins will start to corrode and oxidize. After a while they’ll turn a patina green. It’s so cool.

“Like the Stature of Liberty?” I offered.

“Yes, exactly,” said Dan.

Damn, he was right. And I’ve got the BEFORE/AFTER pics to prove it.

Now that we’ve got that seriousness behind us, I should mention that Dan Baird was one of those people who reached out on the phone through a friend of a friend of a friend to share his experience, strength, and hope when he’d learned that I was unwell. And I really appreciated that. We enjoyed a chat. And after hearing what he’d been through maybe he needed it just as much as me if not more. 

I’m pretty sure the first time we met was when an unsigned Georgia Satellites were opening for Green on Red at Tipitina’s in New Orleans. He probably doesn’t remember the night. But I do. In fact, I remember them playing “no hug-ee no kiss-ee until you make me your wife!” in the soundcheck. For real. I poked my head into their dressing room and was like, “That song is massive.” And Dan, his bandmates and his Atlanta cronies were like, “Yeah, we know, kid.”

Years later, we played a gig in Lexington, Kentucky at Lynagh's Irish Pub. And Dan was playing guitar with the opener. He had a Marshall PA for an amp. Or he’d taken the PA column and plugged a head into it. With the cabinet lying on its side. 

Of course he did.

It was very sweet of him to call me. And those trade secrets? Well, the sage does not hoard. The sage does not hoard.

So in the spirit of sharing, happy belated Thanksgiving everyone. 

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